This is a version of a column that I posted on my Patreon recently, which- for reasons of theme- I couldn’t in good conscious not post here for paid subscribers. If you’re a subscriber (paid or otherwise) dealing with a thirtynothing style dilemma that you’d like my take on, you can email me in as few or many words as you want at askteddybless@gmail.com with the subject title ‘thirtynothings’ (or similar). Enjoy!
Dear Beth,
I’ve become terrified about getting older and I feel like a terrible feminist and a terrible person because of it. I’m in my early thirties- single- and I’ve just come to the realisation that I must look much older than that after. I’ve always prided myself on not participating in extreme anti-aging trends. No botox or filler or peels for me. I do spend a lot of money and time on skincare and I guess I was confident that that was enough. However since someone assumed I was my colleague and friend’s mother in a bar I’ve realised I must be seeing myself incorrectly. And yes I was dressed for the office and she wasn’t and she’s a recent graduate and I’m 31 but still- I can’t help but take it to mean I look ancient. Since then I’ve taken photos of my skin in different light, compared how I look to myself at University. I don’t love what I see. I don’t want to go out with younger friends and I dread being photographed next to people. Am I a bad feminist if this ends in the injectors chair? I feel old and tired. Help.
Aging Feminist
Dear Aging Feminist,
Like you, I planned to be very good at aging. I was going to adore each and every grey hair. When I got new wrinkles it would be cause for celebration, an exciting step in my transformation into a gorgeous etch-a-sketch, a hot tree, a beautiful line drawing of an aging woman. And like you, it’s been a harder and stranger experience than I was able to anticipate before it really got underway.
I turned 30 last year and I haven’t half gone on about it. In my defence, I didn’t think I’d live to see that gorgeous number three at the start of my age, so it’s all been very exciting. But it’s also been weird and terrifying, and as I wade out deeper into this new decade I feel less and less sure of how I’m supposed to feel. I read your letter and I nodded along to every single line. It’s wonderful to age. It’s terrifying, too.